Funny How Those Angels Work

What I am presenting is one of my most cherished things. I feel it is too special not to share. It needs to be after all these years. And maybe it will give someone out there some comfort too.

It might have been the single most precious gift our mom ever received. Only a few days prior to this, we had been given the news our mom had terminal cancer, and did not have long. Needless to say, we were all in a state of complete devastation. I was going to lose my best friend in the whole world—my right arm. And you cannot compare pain and grief, but this loss for my oldest brother Larry was beyond any measure. 

He had lived at home with our mom all his life. He was 48 when she became ill. He had struggled with pain and depression for many many years after our father passed away. I intend to write his story in a future blog. For now I will just say he was one of the gentlest souls you could ever meet.  So wise and possessed of a razor sharp wit. His mind was like quick silver. No one could send me into fits of stomach aching laughter like Larry did.

He brought this card and enclosed letter to mom at the hospital, I didn't know about it. I happened to come into her room just as she had finished reading it. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Something rarely seen with our mom. Tears were a very private thing for her. I naturally asked her what was wrong and if she was okay. She told me she had gotten a beautiful letter from Larry. She was more touched than I'd ever seen her. I could feel it. I asked if it was okay if I read it too.  She handed it to me, and as I read tears were then slipping from my eyes as well.

For the first time ever, I think, things had not been too good between them for several weeks prior to her becoming ill. A long and painful story that I may tell here at some point later. But a distance and lack of communication had opened up. They weren't talking even though they were under the same roof. I remember I was so undone to see this happening and so helpless it seemed to do anything to try and mend it. I still can't imagine this for both of them for the first time in 48 years and then having this illness come in the middle of it. And the reconciling under these terrible circumstances. For mom, I know, it washed away in a mere moment. She was just happy to have her son with her again. For Larry, I knew, he was feeling tormented that this had happened this way, no matter how we tried to comfort him. The sadness of this still lingers at times for me. But, sadly, these things do happen to us in life. Re-affirming once again, never take anything or anyone for granted, it can and does all change in the blink of an eye.

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Larry was a fraternal twin. The twins were born a little more than six weeks premature. In those days (1948) they hadn't made the strides we now have and know in caring for preemies. His twin Garry died six days after they were born, he weighed less than 4 lbs. and Larry was a little over 4 lbs.  He was in the hospital for weeks before he could be brought home.  

From what my mom told me over the years this birth was very traumatic. She had an out of body experience, that it turns out I was the only one she ever told. I asked her if she told the doctor or nurses about it and she firmly said "No!" When I asked her why she said, "Because Stace--people would think I was crazy!" Somehow I thought she said she had told my aunt Gerry, who was a nurse and was there during the birth. But after my mom died I brought this story up to Gerry, I could see she was alarmed at this and said, "no Stacey, she never told me this!". So that's when I knew I was the only one. 

Mom told me she was having such a terrible time during the birth and that all of a sudden she felt herself up by the ceiling and looking down at herself. And that all she could think is "I gotta get back down there!" I was about thirteen when she told me this for the first time, I was amazed and enthralled. And a bit freaky. 

This was one story among a few over the years that were, what's the word?--Otherworldly. And as with this one, I've come to know I was the sole person she confided these things to. I've kind of come to the conclusion maybe this was because she felt and sensed I was very open to these things. And I am. In some things that have happened in my life since, I see very clearly now there was a definite reason for it.

On the day my mom returned home from the hospital, the doctor called to tell her Garry was taking a turn for the worse. She told me she said "well, get off the phone and do something for him!" But it was not to be. Apparently he hemorrhaged in the brain and passed away. 

Whenever she spoke of it her chin would quiver and she was holding back tears. I could feel the deep sadness. It was with her all her life. I tried to not bring it up through the years unless she did, trying to spare her any more pain. 

She said she wasn't able to attend his funeral, but Granny told her he was just like a little angel.  After mom died, when I was cleaning the attics, I found the little baby cross from his casket. So sad to me. And of course wondered again as I had many times what it would have been like if he had lived. She told me she had always told Larry he had a guardian angel--his twin brother Garry, who would always look after him.

Most of my life it seems though I would kinda forget that Larry was 

a twin. I came along fourteen years after him. And it was always just Lar, my big brother. You didn't think of him as a twin most of the time, but he was. And it was like that when I read his letter, it was a striking bit of remembering for a moment as I read his profound words.... And now I wonder about what the impact the loss of his twin truly had and how much this played into his depression over 

the years...and I think yes, alot. 

Larry's Letter To Mom

                                                                      4-24-97

            Mom,

                   I need so much to talk to you. But at a time

        like this, I've found that can be a hard, if not almost

        impossible thing to do one on one, what with all that

        is happening, it's no ones fault, that's just the way it is.

                 

                   I didn't know how I was going to say the things

        I need to say or even if I could. But tonight after I left

        you at the hospital, something strange and wonderful

        happened. "BANG" out of nowhere, right in the middle 

        of a conversation, an old friend (you know I don't have 

        many) told me the way.                          

                  I hadn't heard from him in a long time, at least

        25 years (maybe longer). I forced him out of my life

        then, and had really forgotten all about him, but as

        soon as I heard his voice I knew him and remembered

        him.

                  

                After some thought I realized 'you' had talked my 

       guardian angel into coming back to me when I needed

       him most. And all I really wanted to tell you was that 

       there was really no reason for you to worry about me. 

       And then I thought about the small talk I had with you 

       in your room, about where I've been while you've been 

       so sick, and I realized you already know that.      

                                                  

                I'm convinced it was his work, because even though 

      I was home with you, I was in a completely different place

      and didn't have to watch you suffer so, I'm not sure I could

      have handled it.

                                                                      4-26-97

       Mom,

              I haven't been able to pick this up for a couple of

      nights, it's just been too painful (you heard me on the

      phone this afternoon).

              I'm being kept up to date on your condition, your 

      thoughts and your decisions and I am doing my best to 

      cope.

              Tough as it is, it got tougher, but know this, when 

      I was able to relax a little tonight, he talked to me again.

      He doesn't come from a book or a counselor or a clergy

      man (there's some of that around now) but I haven't paid

      much attention, he comes from you, I know!

      

              He told me to tell you to take all my love, all my

      faith, all my strength, and rest easy in the sure and

      certain knowledge that your love will triumph over all.

      Kinda funny how those angels work Isn't it?

                                                                                           

                                                                                  Your First Born

                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the day after mom's funeral, so much had happened, and 
every thing felt so out of control. On the day of mom's funeral our 
car window was smashed in and my purse was stolen, oh Lord, what a nightmare! And in the cemetery no less! The next morning I was so desolate, I awoke in numbing shock and pain, somehow I couldn't even cry. And now had to contend with our smashed window, when 
I felt like I hardly even had the strength to stand.

I did get my purse back the night before, thank God. H & L Produce just across the street from the cemetary called and said they found a purse in their dumpster that was  according to driver's license this name and number. Oh what a relief! Luckily I had taken my wallet out of it for room as it was a smaller purse to match my outfit. Thankfully we didn't have to deal with any credit card nightmares. But we did lose three hundred in cash that my aunt had given us the day before that I had in another small billfold. 

Amazingly, our insurance company reimbursed that, just on trust! It's still hard to believe that. I never leave my purse in the car, but I thought it was okay in a cemetery for God's sake! I still think this was a message from mom, she forever worried about me and my purse. If it was, it worked! An incident like this on the day you're laying your mom to rest sticks! Lesson learned.

First thing that next morning we headed down to the house to be with Larry.  He held me and handed me the most beautiful card with sympathy for losing mom and just how beautiful she was. In it was a note that said he again had a message through Garry...that he said
"Do this--she needs it!". And oh how much I did. This meant so much to me, it still does. I find it even more profound as the years pass...I was so mired in grief I know I didn't entirely grasp the depth of it then. And I so wish I had so we could have talked about it all more. 

It was then I again told Larry how touched I was by his letter and how much it meant to mom.  Then hesitantly I asked him.  "Lar, when you say he talks to you, do you mean you hear him like you are hearing me speak right now?"  He replied "Absolutely." And I knew from his eyes and and his soul this was truly real. I felt it.

It has never left me, and it re-affirms my faith. That we do go on and that we will all be together again. Between this gift and things mom told me she experienced, I have no doubt there are angels with us. 

Tragically, Larry took his own life just a little more than ninety days after we lost mom. Even now, it sometimes doesn't even seem real. He left a note requesting that he be placed with his brother, and thankfully we were able to do that. And now they are reunited and whole and that brings peace to my sore heart. I feel certain Garry was there waiting to walk Larry home. Someday I will see them and meet my brother Garry. How very much I look forward to this reunion.

I will never find adequate words to express how much I miss my brother, and the vast hole this loss has left in our lives. But I feel he finally has the peace he so needed and never I don't think ever really found here in this life.

                                                                                 I love you Lar ♥       

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Twin Died I Survived
Lose A Twin Live Half A Life

A Letter To My Love

A beautiful, touching post from Sandra Winchester's inspirational blog Hope An Anchor To My Soul . She lost the love of her life, best friend and husband to stomach cancer after a long and gallant battle. 

I followed her blog through all of it. As well as her continuing path through grief and widowhood. I have never met them, but through this tragedy I felt so close to both their hearts as well as their children. Her husband Paul was very plainly a very special soul, and my heart broke for all of his family through this ordeal. Sandra's faith and strength has been such an inspiration to me. And helps to re-affirm my own faith and to remember what is truly important in this journey called life. This is so beautiful to me. Have tissues handy.

A Letter to My Love

LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN

~ Author Unknown

As I sit in heaven

And watch you everyday

I try to let you know with signs

I never went away

I hear you when you’re laughing

And watch you as you sleep

I even place my arms around you

To calm you as you weep

I see you wish the days away

Begging to have me home

So I try to send you signs

So you know you are not alone

Don’t feel guilty that you have

Life that was denied to me

Heaven is truly beautiful

Just you wait and see

So live your life, laugh again

Enjoy yourself, be free

Then I know with every breath you take

You’ll be taking one for me…

Love you from heaven XOXO

The tears are flowing freely tonight my love. In fact, I am sobbing uncontrollably at the moment…oh, how I miss you…I miss you more than words can say…I found this poem today...I felt as if it was written just for me.

There are so many things to say..I don’t even know where to begin..I guess I will start with the obvious…I hate that I can’t see you; I hate that I can’t hear you with my ears; I hate that we can’t hold each other; I hate that we can’t laugh together; I hate that the girls cry because they miss their daddy; I hate that you can’t wrestle with Sophie; I hate that you aren’t here to help with the upkeep of the house; I hate that you won’t be here when the girls go on their first dates, learn how to drive, get married; I hate that you can’t be here with the grandchildren; I hate that we can’t walk at Jensen Pond and listen to the ducks laugh at us…okay, the list could go on and on…

I know that hate is a strong word, but I don’t know of another word that can adequately express how I feel…I don’t just dislike that you are gone, or I don’t just feel sad, I hate it!

At times I feel angry at God for taking you. I work through the anger and then it comes back…I work through it…then it reappears. I have noticed if I allow the anger to become a part of my life, I cannot feel you with me; I cannot feel peace and comfort; I cannot receive spiritual guidance. Therefore, I try not to allow anger to become a part of my life. I know that I must go through the grief process and that anger is one part of it. I just hate the whole grieving process! I don’t want to feel this, but I know that I must! It sucks!

I have felt the deepest sorrow since you have been gone. I did not really know what true sorrow was. I have cried so many deep tears…sobbed uncontrollably…prayed that God would let me just fall asleep and I would awake with you…of course, I wake up the next morning to discover that I am still here without you…that this really is not a bad nightmare…this is my new life…

Now, I am just trying to create a new life for us. I know that our children need me. I know that I need to be strong for them. I will do everything I can to ensure they have a great life. I want them to know that we can still find joy and happiness in life even after bad things happen. I know that I need to focus on the positive.

So here are some positives…I love that you still care about me and the children; I love that I can feel you in my soul; I love that you can watch over our family and guide us; I love that you are no longer in pain; I love that you can be with family who already passed away; I love that God is blessing us with help; I love that I am learning of greater spiritual things.

Okay, you know me, trying to be the eternal optimist, trying to be like Pollyanna, I tried to come up with more things that I love than hate about you being gone…didn’t happen. I guess that should be expected…seriously, who could be truly glad that their best friend is gone…Some days I just don’t want to play the glad game!

I know that you have sent people to me to give love and support. I have had numerous “angels” show up at my door or call me…just when I needed them the most. Yes, sorry babe, their rolls tasted as good as yours…why wouldn’t they taste as good as yours…after all, you are the one that shared the recipe and guided them as to how to make them before you passed away…you wanted the legacy of your rolls to continue…since your wife never bothered to learn how to make them…

I receive promptings about where things are placed…like where things are located in the garage in some obscure place…I know those come from you. I have never had answers so quickly before. I remember my mom said just before she died that she would speak to us through the Holy Ghost…I know that you are doing the same. Thank you!
I think one of the hardest parts about you being gone is watching our children suffer. They miss you! I miss you! We miss you!

I think about you often…I wonder what you are doing…who you are talking to…if the food there tastes better than here…because I know they have food there…there is food there, right? I wonder how much you miss me…if you miss me as much as I miss you…I know you must miss me, right?

Whenever I wonder about what our reunion will be like when I see you again, I think about the time you worked in Idaho for a month without me. I remember the weekend you came home…the look on your face as you drove around the corner and saw me standing there…the tears started to freely flow for both of us…that is how I picture our reunion…lot’s of tears and pure joy!

I have wondered if you stand by me and watch me, wishing you could get my attention. If you feel frustrated that you can see me, but I can’t see you. I wish that I could just catch a glimpse of you, even for one moment. By the way, I am still waiting for a dream…I really need to see you in my dreams. I still have not had one dream with you in it…every night I pray it will happen…every morning I awake disappointed.

I am dreading the next couple of months. It will be our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without you. Just the thought of this makes me start to cry. For the most part, I don’t allow myself to even think about it. I try to stay in the present! I need to be strong for our kids! I want them to have as much joy as possible. Honestly, I know I will not have the joy I used to have with you, but I want to try and allow myself a different kind of joy.

I still have a hard time listening to music. It brings out so much emotion in me. I miss having you here, playing music wherever you were in the house. I hope that someday I can listen to music again and feel the joy I used to feel.

Oh, how I wish you were here…I seriously miss you…I would love to be able to hold your hand…I would love to be able to laugh with you…I would love to have you tell me I look beautiful…I would love to just see you!

I love you! Yours forever and ever! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Story and image courtesy of Hope An Anchor To My Soul