What I am presenting is one of my most cherished things. I feel it is too special not to share. It needs to be after all these years. And maybe it will give someone out there some comfort too.
It might have been the single most precious gift our mom ever received. Only a few days prior to this, we had been given the news our mom had terminal cancer, and did not have long. Needless to say, we were all in a state of complete devastation. I was going to lose my best friend in the whole world—my right arm. And you cannot compare pain and grief, but this loss for my oldest brother Larry was beyond any measure.
He had lived at home with our mom all his life. He was 48 when she became ill. He had struggled with pain and depression for many many years after our father passed away. I intend to write his story in a future blog. For now I will just say he was one of the gentlest souls you could ever meet. So wise and possessed of a razor sharp wit. His mind was like quick silver. No one could send me into fits of stomach aching laughter like Larry did.
He brought this card and enclosed letter to mom at the hospital, I didn't know about it. I happened to come into her room just as she had finished reading it. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Something rarely seen with our mom. Tears were a very private thing for her. I naturally asked her what was wrong and if she was okay. She told me she had gotten a beautiful letter from Larry. She was more touched than I'd ever seen her. I could feel it. I asked if it was okay if I read it too. She handed it to me, and as I read tears were then slipping from my eyes as well.
For the first time ever, I think, things had not been too good between them for several weeks prior to her becoming ill. A long and painful story that I may tell here at some point later. But a distance and lack of communication had opened up. They weren't talking even though they were under the same roof. I remember I was so undone to see this happening and so helpless it seemed to do anything to try and mend it. I still can't imagine this for both of them for the first time in 48 years and then having this illness come in the middle of it. And the reconciling under these terrible circumstances. For mom, I know, it washed away in a mere moment. She was just happy to have her son with her again. For Larry, I knew, he was feeling tormented that this had happened this way, no matter how we tried to comfort him. The sadness of this still lingers at times for me. But, sadly, these things do happen to us in life. Re-affirming once again, never take anything or anyone for granted, it can and does all change in the blink of an eye.
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Larry was a fraternal twin. The twins were born a little more than six weeks premature. In those days (1948) they hadn't made the strides we now have and know in caring for preemies. His twin Garry died six days after they were born, he weighed less than 4 lbs. and Larry was a little over 4 lbs. He was in the hospital for weeks before he could be brought home.
From what my mom told me over the years this birth was very traumatic. She had an out of body experience, that it turns out I was the only one she ever told. I asked her if she told the doctor or nurses about it and she firmly said "No!" When I asked her why she said, "Because Stace--people would think I was crazy!" Somehow I thought she said she had told my aunt Gerry, who was a nurse and was there during the birth. But after my mom died I brought this story up to Gerry, I could see she was alarmed at this and said, "no Stacey, she never told me this!". So that's when I knew I was the only one.
Mom told me she was having such a terrible time during the birth and that all of a sudden she felt herself up by the ceiling and looking down at herself. And that all she could think is "I gotta get back down there!" I was about thirteen when she told me this for the first time, I was amazed and enthralled. And a bit freaky.
This was one story among a few over the years that were, what's the word?--Otherworldly. And as with this one, I've come to know I was the sole person she confided these things to. I've kind of come to the conclusion maybe this was because she felt and sensed I was very open to these things. And I am. In some things that have happened in my life since, I see very clearly now there was a definite reason for it.
On the day my mom returned home from the hospital, the doctor called to tell her Garry was taking a turn for the worse. She told me she said "well, get off the phone and do something for him!" But it was not to be. Apparently he hemorrhaged in the brain and passed away.
Whenever she spoke of it her chin would quiver and she was holding back tears. I could feel the deep sadness. It was with her all her life. I tried to not bring it up through the years unless she did, trying to spare her any more pain.
She said she wasn't able to attend his funeral, but Granny told her he was just like a little angel. After mom died, when I was cleaning the attics, I found the little baby cross from his casket. So sad to me. And of course wondered again as I had many times what it would have been like if he had lived. She told me she had always told Larry he had a guardian angel--his twin brother Garry, who would always look after him.
Most of my life it seems though I would kinda forget that Larry was
a twin. I came along fourteen years after him. And it was always just Lar, my big brother. You didn't think of him as a twin most of the time, but he was. And it was like that when I read his letter, it was a striking bit of remembering for a moment as I read his profound words.... And now I wonder about what the impact the loss of his twin truly had and how much this played into his depression over
the years...and I think yes, alot.
I need so much to talk to you. But at a time
like this, I've found that can be a hard, if not almost
impossible thing to do one on one, what with all that
is happening, it's no ones fault, that's just the way it is.
I didn't know how I was going to say the things
I need to say or even if I could. But tonight after I left
you at the hospital, something strange and wonderful
happened. "BANG" out of nowhere, right in the middle
of a conversation, an old friend (you know I don't have
many) told me the way.
I hadn't heard from him in a long time, at least
25 years (maybe longer). I forced him out of my life
then, and had really forgotten all about him, but as
soon as I heard his voice I knew him and remembered
After some thought I realized 'you' had talked my
guardian angel into coming back to me when I needed
him most. And all I really wanted to tell you was that
there was really no reason for you to worry about me.
And then I thought about the small talk I had with you
in your room, about where I've been while you've been
so sick, and I realized you already know that.
I'm convinced it was his work, because even though
I was home with you, I was in a completely different place
and didn't have to watch you suffer so, I'm not sure I could
have handled it.
I haven't been able to pick this up for a couple of
nights, it's just been too painful (you heard me on the
I'm being kept up to date on your condition, your
thoughts and your decisions and I am doing my best to
cope.
Tough as it is, it got tougher, but know this, when
I was able to relax a little tonight, he talked to me again.
He doesn't come from a book or a counselor or a clergy
man (there's some of that around now) but I haven't paid
much attention, he comes from you, I know!
He told me to tell you to take all my love, all my
faith, all my strength, and rest easy in the sure and
certain knowledge that your love will triumph over all.
Kinda funny how those angels work Isn't it?
Your First Born
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It was the day after mom's funeral, so much had happened, and
every thing felt so out of control. On the day of mom's funeral our
car window was smashed in and my purse was stolen, oh Lord, what a nightmare! And in the cemetery no less! The next morning I was so desolate, I awoke in numbing shock and pain, somehow I couldn't even cry. And now had to contend with our smashed window, when
I felt like I hardly even had the strength to stand.
I did get my purse back the night before, thank God. H & L Produce just across the street from the cemetary called and said they found a purse in their dumpster that was according to driver's license this name and number. Oh what a relief! Luckily I had taken my wallet out of it for room as it was a smaller purse to match my outfit. Thankfully we didn't have to deal with any credit card nightmares. But we did lose three hundred in cash that my aunt had given us the day before that I had in another small billfold.
Amazingly, our insurance company reimbursed that, just on trust! It's still hard to believe that. I never leave my purse in the car, but I thought it was okay in a cemetery for God's sake! I still think this was a message from mom, she forever worried about me and my purse. If it was, it worked! An incident like this on the day you're laying your mom to rest sticks! Lesson learned.
First thing that next morning we headed down to the house to be with Larry. He held me and handed me the most beautiful card with sympathy for losing mom and just how beautiful she was. In it was a note that said he again had a message through Garry...that he said
"Do this--she needs it!". And oh how much I did. This meant so much to me, it still does. I find it even more profound as the years pass...I was so mired in grief I know I didn't entirely grasp the depth of it then. And I so wish I had so we could have talked about it all more.
It was then I again told Larry how touched I was by his letter and how much it meant to mom. Then hesitantly I asked him. "Lar, when you say he talks to you, do you mean you hear him like you are hearing me speak right now?" He replied "Absolutely." And I knew from his eyes and and his soul this was truly real. I felt it.
It has never left me, and it re-affirms my faith. That we do go on and that we will all be together again. Between this gift and things mom told me she experienced, I have no doubt there are angels with us.
Tragically, Larry took his own life just a little more than ninety days after we lost mom. Even now, it sometimes doesn't even seem real. He left a note requesting that he be placed with his brother, and thankfully we were able to do that. And now they are reunited and whole and that brings peace to my sore heart. I feel certain Garry was there waiting to walk Larry home. Someday I will see them and meet my brother Garry. How very much I look forward to this reunion.
I will never find adequate words to express how much I miss my brother, and the vast hole this loss has left in our lives. But I feel he finally has the peace he so needed and never I don't think ever really found here in this life.
I love you Lar ♥
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